Coming Back for It

To people who had had awakenings but were suffering over something, Adya used to say, "You came back for it."  I never hear him say that anymore -- maybe too many people didn't get what he meant.  This last satsang, he said something with, I think, the same intent, though:  temporarily abdicate the deeper knowing in order to get into the mind's not-knowing.  I've heard him say this before also, but I think it has to be said at just the right time.  Something in me heard it, and though I had no idea how to do this, something in me seems to have.

For years I've been struggling with my feelings about a temple I lived in when I was young.  I just kept up an internal monologue with them about what they did to me -- "me" as the victim -- even though in other circumstances, I would have said clearly enough that there is no one here!  And now this is shifting.  I am starting to see how I sought their energy, hoping to make it mine, hoping to win them over somehow.  And all of the time, my own energy was calling to me to be released and celebrated.  We seem to get all confused in love -- whether it's love of a temple or of another human being -- and think, implicitly or explicitly, that the other has something we need.  And it's simply not true.